I have been reading a lot about Narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder recently. The articles about Narcissism usually talk about ego-maniac men who deliberately seduce innocent women with Borderline Personality Disorder. In these cases, the BPD victim has no boundaries. She loves too passionately and is unable to get away from the man who is manipulating her. Very often these relationships involve an element of adultery. The forbidden fruit is what intensifies the thrill of the chase.

It can also happen the other way around with the woman being the narcissistic seductress and the man being the victim. The male writers in the Bible lay the blame for adultery firmly on the woman’s shoulders. They imply it is always she who seduces the poor defenseless man.  Proverbs 5 vs 3 states, “Know that the lips of the adulteress drip honey and her words are smoother than oil.

We see in cultures that punish adultery severely that it is the woman who takes the consequences. She often pays with her life. However, I don’t think it’s ever that simple. The reality is that both the man and the woman are responsible for creating the relationship. It may be that both have certain characteristics of both disorders.

Experts are developing their theories all the time. From my work as a relationship coach and from personal observation, I suspect there may be a possibility that the balance of power can alternate in some couples in different situations. After all, they attract each other, they both hold onto each other and the relationship for whatever positive feelings they are getting out of it.

People use the term narcissistic far too loosely. Certainly when I work with couple where one is claiming the other is narcissistic, I don’t agree or disagree. And I can very often see narcissistic tendencies in both of them.

By definition, these relationships are doomed from the start and ultimately become toxic for both. The narcissist feels swamped, so longing for freedom goes out hunting for other prey, while the BPD addict is constantly frustrated, insecure and heartbroken.

If we turn to Proverbs again we see that this text written in the 4th century BC contains wisdom for the modern day as the next line contains the warning: “But the outcome is as bitter as wormwood. It is sharp like a double-edged sword.” Proverbs 5 vs 4.

Getting help

If you are in any kind of toxic relationship you will need to take responsibility for your part in it and either get out of it or work on your healing through counseling, coaching, prayer, personal journaling, reading and retreats.

If you are interested in learning more about 1:1 or 1:2 coaching please see Orchard Coaching & Retreats.

You can book a free session here. 

Or you can email Fiona at seaorchardretreat@gmail.com.