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Month: February 2023

Boundaries in Love

Fiona Pimentel February 18, 2023 In Boundaries No comments

Let’s talk about Boundaries in Love. 

Boundaries in Love

There are several ways of looking at this. 

First of all, there is how we set our boundaries.  

Second, we’ll look at setting boundaries in all our relationships so that they’ll be healthy. 

Third, we’ll discuss setting boundaries in our love relationships to protect the things we want to do in our lives such as work or self care. 

Then we’ll talk about setting boundaries in our other areas of life for the sake of our love relationships.  

And lastly, we’ll look at respecting other people’s boundaries. 

Setting Boundaries in a Spirit of Love

I want to talk about setting boundaries in a loving way. Because when somebody comes up against your boundaries, they are not doing it in a malicious way. They just don’t know where your boundaries are. And their boundaries are in a different place. Maybe they haven’t been taught about boundaries. 

Boundaries are specific to individuals. In other words, what is acceptable to one person is not acceptable to another person. We need to know what we find acceptable. And then we need to communicate it. Because we can’t expect people to read our minds. They may not even know where their own boundaries are, let alone be able to guess where ours are.

When we set boundaries we need to be clear and simple so that it is easy to understand. And we need to be coming from a place of love, so it doesn’t feel like the other person is being attacked. We can use a gentle tone of voice and explain as much or as little as we want to. 

The wording will depend on the situation. We can use a firm sentence like “Things are going to be different from now on.” Or we can approach it in a more gentle way and say “I’d like to discuss something with you.” And then tell them what change you are asking for. 

The main thing is to make sure we have expressed our boundary and they have heard it. You may need to repeat yourself several times. But if you keep calm, they will eventually take notice of what you are saying. And most of the time they will respect your boundary once they have understood it. 

Boundaries for Healthy Relationships

Have a think about where you need a boundary in your romantic relationship if you’re in one. 

Does your partner sometimes invade your space? Do you find his or her wet towel or dirty washing on your side of the bed? You could say something like “I’d like you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket.” Or “would you please hang up your wet towel?” 

Does he or she speak for you when someone asks you a question? If so you might want to set a boundary around that. “I’d like to speak for myself when someone asks me a question.”

What about your children? Do they walk in without knocking when you’re in the bathroom? Or perhaps they eat from your plate or drink from your cup! Do they disturb you when you are having time with your partner?

You can ask them to knock when you’re in the bathroom. And explain to them that your plate and your cup are for you. You can explain to them that when you’re having down time, this is adult time, not time for children.

How about your parents?

Do they come to your home and start rearranging things? Do they interfere with your parenting style or try to make decisions for you?

Then you’ll need to set boundaries around those things. Examples of things to say are: “I like how I’ve arranged my kitchen and I’d like you to leave it like that” and “This is how we do it in this house” or “Thanks for your opinion but I’ll make my own decisions.” 

Boundaries in Love Relationships

And now for setting boundaries in our love relationships to protect the things we want to do in our lives. 

We might need to tell our family members that it is important for us to exercise how and when we want to. 

It would be sensible to tell them in advance when we have some extra work or something that’s outside our normal routine.

We might need to explain that when we are sitting at our desk that is when we don’t want to be disturbed.

Boundaries in Other Areas

The other side of the coin is when we need to set boundaries in the other areas of our lives, in order to make room for our love relationships.

We can decide what time we are going to finish work and make a commitment to leave work at that time. 

If we’ve got friends who are wanting to spend too much time with us, we can set boundaries there. 

We may need to tell them that our main relationship is important to us. 

Or if someone like a member of our church is asking us to do things for them all the time, we may need to set boundaries there. We can say something like “I don’t mind helping you sometimes, but this time I’m busy.”

Respecting Other People’s Boundaries

When I think about respecting a partner’s boundaries, what comes to mind is giving them space, letting them arrive home and have some down time. 

Also I meet a lot of couples where one partner does all the talking. If you’re one of the talkers, you could respect that a conversation is where two people get a chance to talk. It’s about taking turns to listen and speak, not one person doing all the talking. 

 Respecting our children’s boundaries might mean knocking when we go into their bedroom.

Letting them be who they are. Allowing them to feel the emotions that they are feeling. 

How can we respect our parents’ boundaries? By accepting that they do things differently from how we do things. Not insisting that they take part in activities they don’t want to take part in. 

We can also help them to define their boundaries by asking them what their preferences are. 

If you have a question or something to add about boundaries, drop it in the comments below.

 

How Well do you Love Yourself?

Fiona Pimentel February 4, 2023 In Self Love No comments

Self Love

Let’s talk about Self Love. Some people think it’s selfish, but it’s not at all. It is actually essential. I will give you 3 reasons why self love is important and then I will share a journaling exercise. So if you want to do the journaling, you will need your pen and paper before you read on.

Why is Self Love important?

You may have heard that if you don’t love yourself you won’t be able to receive love from others. We take things badly and get offended if we don’t love ourselves. We see everything in a negative way. Once we start to love ourselves, we are much more likely to be more loving to other people and accept them as they are.

Secondly we have emotional needs and we know what they are. And other people don’t know what they are. We can communicate them. But other people can only give us so much. We are better placed to give ourselves what we need.

Often people who are working in service or are mothers give to everyone else, but don’t give to ourselves. Often what we give to others is what we most need.

My third reason why Self Love is important is that when we do love ourselves we flourish. We are more likely to be successful at work, and in our relationships and every area of life.

Self Love Journaling Exercise

  1. What do you love about yourself? For example what qualities do you have? Are you caring? Do you love learning? Are you funny? What other traits do you have?  Are you generous with your money or time? What do you love about your physical appearance? Do you love your eyes? What about your hair? Do you have fantastic long legs? What else can you love about yourself?
  2. When do you feel most confident? What kind of things are you doing when you feel confident? Are there certain activities that make you feel confident? Whenever we do something that we are slightly scared of, it always gives us more confidence. What do other people like about you? How would your family and friends describe you? What are your greatest achievements that you can be proud of?
  3. What would make you happier? What do you need that if you had it, it would make you feel happy? When have you felt happiest? What were you doing? When have you felt the most joyful? Who were you with? When have you felt the most authentically you? Who were you being?
  4. What do you need healing from? Maybe you had some childhood experiences that were traumatic? What do you need to forgive other people for?  Is there anything you need to forgive yourself for? Think about why you deserve to be healed and to be happy.
  5. If you met yourself in the street, what good thing would you wish for yourself? What kind words could you use for yourself? Would you want to give yourself a million hugs? What encouragement could you give yourself? And what positive words could you say over your life?

 

Write a Letter to yourself

Now look at all of your answers. Then write yourself a letter using them.  Start with Dear {your name} and say what you like about yourself. Remind yourself of all your achievements and why you should feel confident. Encourage yourself to do the things that make you happy. Talk to yourself about what you need healing from and whether this is through forgiving yourself or others. Maybe you just need to spend some time in silence in a beautiful place. Lastly, you will finish your letter with a greeting. For example, I wish you happiness in your relationships, I wish you all the best in your work or sending you all my love.

If you’ve written the letter by hand, type it up. Then mull over it for the next couple of days. See how you want to improve it and make it more loving. Then you can print it out. And stick it up somewhere where you will see it often. The other thing you can do is sent it to a website called Futureme.com. Set it for whenever you would like to receive it. On that day you will get a lovely surprise in your email that is full of love.

If you want to know more about loving yourself, you can read The Top Ten Ways to Love Yourself. The more we love ourselves, the more we love others. And it works both ways. The more we love others, the more we love ourselves. It’s a cycle of love!

 

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